In some parts of the world, there is a sub-sector of real estate agents who specialise in selling the homes of a divorced or divorcing couple. This is suggestive that yes, divorce is common enough to warrant such a specialisation, but also that handling an emotionally charged couple who may reluctantly be forced to sell their marital home, requires tact and careful negotiation because this is not a traditional sale.
Let us pose a scenario: Nishani and Mpho have been married for 15 years, have two sons and one daughter, respectively aged 13, 10, and 9. Their divorce is acrimonious; they are in constant conflict and rarely agree. As neither is in a position to buy the other’s portion of the house, it has to be sold, and in some haste. Regardless of that, somehow Nishani and Mpho have, however, reached an agreement and have appointed an agent, the road ahead can be very rocky.
Upfront transparency
Professional advice comes from Alexa Young, Clinical Psychologist who includes among her therapies, psycho-legal assessments for families in custody disputes. “At the outset, the agent must assume that there exists a history of fighting, legal battles, hurt, and resentment, and will be wading into those dynamics as an outsider.
“Right from the start, the agent should approach everything as clearly and transparently as possible. All communications, either verbal or written through email, WhatsApp, or SMS must be directed to both parties to ensure there are no surprises or secrets. It is only by doing so that the agent can be seen to be as neutral as possible.”
That neutrality is key and it falls on the agent to ensure that both parties understand that that the process is about selling the property which is the ultimate goal. Young says that the best way to achieve this is by setting boundaries and expectations upfront. “Send out an email that emphasises how you represent both parties in the process and that you want to keep communication open and transparent. It is also important at this point to state your boundaries and objectives, which will define the relationship”
Young provides an example: It is my job to sell this house for the best price. What I need to do that is ABC. What I need from you both to achieve that, is XYZ. “This is also an opportune time to approach the couple in a joint communication for suggestions on how to manage any disputes around the sale process. Addressing such concerns upfront helps to forestall many difficult situations that may arise later.”
When things get heated
Issues between divorcing couples have a tendency to become public and no matter how tempting it may be for an agent to step in, this is not recommended, says Young. “Your role is not to mediate regardless of your neutral position. I find it useful to remember that when people are worked up, their instinctual brains take over and it becomes increasingly difficult to think clearly and logically, and this applies equally to agents.
“Witnessing a fight will certainly get your adrenaline going and can kick 'fight or flight' into gear. The best way to respond to this anxiety is to get your body moving, do some deep breathing, and calm down. Let your brain know that you’re not in danger so it can get the thinking parts back and active. However, you might consider suggesting to the couple that they do the same and perhaps take a walk or a break. If they don’t take you up on the offer, I would suggest removing yourself from the situation until everyone is calm.”
Another useful technique, and one that Young uses with children and their parents, is ‘sportscasting’. This is where you, the agent, state the facts of the situation/impasse without offering a solution, and see how the conflicting couple respond. For example: So, Nishani thinks the offer of R1.8-million is a good one and is happy to accept, but Mpho disagrees and wants to wait for a better offer. How can we solve this problem?
“Again, I emphasise that Nishani and Mpho’s disagreement is not your problem to solve,” says Young. “You can only do the best you can within your role. As a couples therapist, I often find it useful to remind people of their goal in choosing therapy and my role in that, so in an agent’s case it would be something along the lines of, you came to me to sell your house. I can’t do that if you are constantly arguing over the selling price.”
Another trick in the trade is ‘reflecting’. This is when you point out evident emotions such as, Nishani you appear angry right now, or Mpho, you seem disappointed. Being diplomatic and not being seen to be taking sides is absolutely crucial especially if the situation appears to be spiralling out of control.
When the agent is seen as a confidant
A house sale is generally rather emotional for the owners and can open up good and bad memories. Outside of the couple themselves, the agent is likely the most receptive in understanding the sentimentality behind the future loss of the home, and if there is resentment as a result, the agent may be exposed to bitterness or be seen as a sympathetic confidant. Young strongly advises that the agent should avoid getting cornered by one party trying to bad mouth or talk about the marriage.
“There is no way this can lead to a harmonious and streamlined selling of the property. Given that you have already stated in your initial correspondence that your role is to remain neutral, I recommend you have some statements prepared that you can use in such situations. Eg. It sounds like you really need to talk to someone. I don’t want this to affect how we work together; or, is there someone at home/friend/therapist you can talk to?”
Young also considers humour as an antidote. “It can often work well, in the beginning, to set a boundary without seeming too uptight. Eg. I would love to be your mediator but I only have time to be your agent, so I’m going to have to stick to that, hahaha.”
Evidence of abuse
Homes are private places, so allowing an agent into one exposes them to history, lifestyle, and family dynamics. Violence in the home is, unfortunately, one of the most insidious crimes in our country, and therefore it would not be unusual for an agent to become aware of the abuse. This is likely the trickiest of situations to manage. “If you know a child is being abused, without hesitation report it to the police,” says Young.
“In the case of adults, I recommend approaching individuals separately and asking if they would like any help from you, such as assistance with writing a report, finding shelter, contacting a family member, etc. Ultimately, however, an adult has the right to choose these things for themselves, as difficult as it may be for an agent to accept.”
Best advice
“Know your role!” says Young. “The pull to be sucked in may result in you suddenly being part of an acrimonious system; it will leave you feeling helpless and stuck. Remember you do not have to solve other people’s problems and sometimes you can’t. Set good boundaries upfront. These will protect you and the divorcing couple, and hopefully, secure a sale.”